Clary Love

 I have yet to post much lately.  Honestly, it is because I am not sure what to say or think, or if I say it aloud, then maybe it is real.  Again, the uncertainty has paralyzed me.  In January I felt pretty amazing.  Around eight weeks out, when I should have originally returned to work, I understood why they told you to wait till 8 weeks for your recovery.  My mind was growing clearer, my wound was starting to not hurt nearly as bad, and I felt an energy I had not experienced in so long.  It was fantastic.  I was productive at work, able to process and plan in ways I had forgotten I could do.  Then February came.  I am not sure if it was the incidental accident of me hitting my head early in the month or if it would have happened anyway but pain became the thing that consumed me for the entire month. A new kind of pain, bone pain, nerve pain, and maybe a pain I still am not sure how to describe.  I could not lay on my head again, at least not on the back or right side.  If someone or

This is the week in which we all say goodbye to the 2023 year and begin to prepare for the birth of the 2024 year.  Many will celebrate the transition by cleaning their spaces and planning New Year's Eve parties, and a few will take moments to reflect on the year leaving and make space and plan for the year to come.   I do a little of all of these things I suppose.  I am already slowly placing the holiday décor in piles to be put away till next year.  It is a bittersweet time as I love holiday decorations up in my house, which create such a cozy atmosphere.  I am also trying to be intentional about reflecting on the year passing.  Last year was a year full of mourning and grief, this year has been a year full of discovery of health concerns and the beginning of healing.  Each year I pray and claim a word for the year, and as I focus on that word, I grow in its definition.  I seek out bible verses, quotes, and stories that will help me be challenged to be a better person, better bel

Recovery is not linear and I am not a fan.   Last week I was bragging on how well I was doing, how great I felt, and this week, well I am not bragging today.  I have journaled in detailed about the thirteen days after surgery for my own records.  It is emotional and raw and I am just coming to terms with the pain and emotions that I went through.  I am not sure if I can every forget those days. That are so present, it feels like the same memories of childbirth but without the beautiful ending of seeing a sweet boy in my arms at the crest of the pain.   The first eight days after surgery were the worst.  It was a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy, if I had one. I was constantly icing my head and taking meds. Bobby and the boys loved me tirelessly, serving, supporting, and trying to help.  When that pain finally started to relieve I thought, wow, this is so much better. I thought I should be doing things, going places and I did.  I now regret so much of the actions I took.  Th

This may shock and amaze some, but the recovery from deep brain surgery is a two-week period. I have been told that I should not run a marathon or anything, but I should be up and moving, using my brain as much as normal.  If you think about someone who has had hip surgery, they must get up and start walking quickly after surgery. It hurts, but that pain will turn into progress if they move. Brain surgery, if I start using my brain, the pain will also turn into synapsis firing, brain reconnecting, and recovery will be more progressive.  The most amount of pain will come from the skull/bone pain. However, if you break your arm, you are put in a cast, and you return to work within a few days, this pain will be similar.  There is no muscle to go through, simply skin, bone, and brain tissue. The brain technically does not have pain. It receives pain sensors from the other parts of the body and relies on the information but can not feel pain itself.  In recovery, I am told to expect nausea

Since November 1st has come, the days have felt shorter. 16 days, 15 days, 10 days, 7 days, ... and as I write this, it is only 5 days away. The emotions over the last few weeks have been different. I am striving to continue to hold on to peace from God and not the fear of this world.  My family strives to hold on to peace from God, but it is not easy.  However, in the midst of this, my boys are thriving. Blaine received Student of the Month for Inola Middle School, and Elijah was crowned King of the ESA Carnival after raising over five hundred dollars for the school. Both boys were brought to the School Board meeting to be honored. What beautiful humans they are and the great men they are growing into. However, I am most proud of how they love Jesus and others. I know they strive to see how to do such a simple and challenging task daily, and that is the joy that they are learning and growing.  Due to Pre-OP, I had to miss the Board Meeting and the Veterans program Elijah was in.  I ha

Here is a view showing the tumor from the side view. It is located in the middle-middle of my brain.  The Pineal Region. Where is sits, the nerves and vessels use that canal to then go down into the spinal column. Blocking this area can be dangerous.  Here is a closer view.   This is the view from the top of my head, looking down.  My eyeballs look the creepiest part of this entire photo. lol