Sunday, November 30, 2014
Now I am an adult. Not a child. My Great Love in human form lays next to me each night and calls me beautiful each day. His love for me still puts me in awe each day. I know God is real because of him, I know I am precious to God because of how he treats me.
I still crave. My early cravings in adolescence for love and friendship have morphed to craving the ONE TRUE GOD, Creator, Heaven Shaker, Human lover. I want to know what he wants with me. What can I do for Him? How can I be used to His fullest potential? Will it fill this craving? Will it change my world? What about the world of my boys and husband?
How do I follow his voice if I feel he is simply being silent? I do not feel he is not there, simply waiting to see if I will obey, but I am not totally sure the command. I read recently on a picture post a quote. Not sure who it is from but it feels like my situation. The quote simply read, "The teacher is always silent during the test." YES! This is how I feel. I know he is near, I know he is watching but what am I testing. Will I bless him or will I sadden him with my choice? Does it matter what I do, as long as, I am trying to seek him and follow him? Too many questions go through my head. I search his word but.... well, I am not sure. Nothing seems to fit the situation like so many times when I have read something and BOOM, it felt like his audible voice speaking to that part of my heart that needed spoken to.
For now, I will wait patiently on the Lord, for he is good.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
My heart is craving for creativity, craving to be used to its full power, shout out to the universe my knowledge, unknowing questions, to pound upon the sky and scream all my desperation but still I am here. Waiting. Waiting for the still small voice to call out and press me forward.
I know, I know, I have the task of raising my boys, of being as wife and mother. Oh how I love those jobs but I can not help that I was created for even more to be added. I want to glory in his glory by shining as he has equipt me.
I seek, I search, I dig and the answers all come up the same....not yet, stop, patient, almost, sit still. It is painful. It is hard. I know later I will reply the Garth Brooks song "Unanswered Prayers" over and over in my head as a thanks (I have done it so many times before) but nonetheless it is still hard.
Till God moves..
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Not too many moments as a Mom gross me out. I have a steel stomach for the most part, I think God prepared me for having boys, I always wanted boys.
I read a blog today about raising all boys and as I read through I had experienced or accepted I would experience each experience the mother was stating. 1) boys are dirty 2) boys play rough and loud 3) I will one day be known as the mother-in-law and ect. These things and so much more I get, I accept, I love but today I don't want to see again!
We are potty training my almost three year old son. We have been in this process for awhile and for the most part it has gone well. We are held up on the pooping in potty. I often find my son hiding under tables, in closets, under blankets and pooping in his totally adorable toddler super hero underwear and boxers. I can handle this, I don't love it but a simple wash in potty, spray in sink and wipe the boy down and we are back to clean. This is not how it went today.
Today, I found my totally sweet boy under table, told boy to go to bathroom, cleaned underwear, made boy sit on potty to help him realize it is normal, cleaned him when he said he was totally done, then requested him to got get new underwear on and get dressed. He is a great kid, typically obeys shockingly well for a 2/3 year old. I then proceeded to take dirty clothes to laundry room and get on with my day. I saw our 1 year old son follow me and reach up on the kitchen table to grab last of the chicken nuggets from lunch, my only thought way old nugget, that won't taste so great. After a few minutes in laundry room, I went to go get rest of clothes from bedrooms.
That is when it began. At end of the hallway my big boy was in panic mode. His hands were covered, I couldn't tell what it was till he said it. "Mom, I popped!" With new eyes I looked around. Poop all over carpet, all over the boy, clothes all over floor that this sweet boy had tried to use to clean himself. Immediately, he was stripped and thrown in bath tub. I am still good at this point. I can deal with poop but what happened next was grotesque. My little man will hear a bath and run to it. He loves bathes, he will not let anyone in our house bath without first trying climb his way into bath himself. So as I am kneeling next to tub I look next to me and this crazy 1 year old is double fisting two chicken nuggets with his chubby hands, face, and arms covered in poop. My stomach starts to heave. My baby is eating poop covered chicken nuggets. Let's just say I am thankful I was in bathroom.
I am done. My steel stomach is weakened, as is my resolve.
Okay God, what can I learn from this?
Praying tomorrow is better and soon we look back and laugh, who am I kidding. .. Bobby is already laughing.
Monday, May 12, 2014
We have held our breath, spoken quietly, not celebrated, not allowed ourselves to believe. We allowed little spots of joy but not too much. We quietly prepared for both ends, praying desperately for one over the other.
No one died, no one is sick, but in this matter our hearts are broken. God is still good, our flesh is weakly trying to remember to trust His ways are wiser than our own.
Saturday was the day all the stress was to be over. The condo, Bobby and my first home together, would be sold on the 15th. We first put it up for sale Jan 2011 after finding out we were pregnant with our first child. Since we have brought both our boys home to the condo. It was a great home for us for a moment but not with a growing family. The space closed in on us, we wanted country, land, space and no where in the city would supply that to our hearts desire. We wanted out.
The last obstacle to a possible rejection was to be on Saturday. We heard nothing, our joy started to show. We borrowed a truck and cleared our furniture and staging things. Monday we checked on the time of closing and location, we called the electric and gas companies and told them the stop service date. We were finally allowing ourselves to feel joy, to get excited. What we heard back from our realitor that night is leaving us in awe. The first call was the buyers house they were selling was having issues, closing might have to be pushed back. We started putting our walls back up, fear was the first bricks. Then as we laid in bed a second call, the buyer wanted to back out, papers would be sent in the morning. Tears leaked out of my eyes in the darkness, my chest hurt, my voice broke. I could no longer hide the pain, fear, devastation I was feeling, the feelings I knew Bobby was feeling.
After so much, so long the dream come true turned into the living nightmare.
Tuesday we gained a little hope in thinking we could intice her to still buy, or force her to keep contract. But on Wednesday at 5pm just one day away from our planned closing our contract fell through.
We can't stay where we are, we can't move forward, we don't want to move back. The plan we originally had is our only solution but no one likes it. It is the financial right choice but not the choice we want. It will not help it sell, it will not help the stress, it will help us pay the bills. Defeat looms at my heart but the Spirit softely speaks He is still here.
God, please speak loud. Break our heart's to your direction and will. Move a buyer to come find our condo. Let them be of sound mind and stable pocket.
Pray for us. We need it now more than ever.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Okay, he is two and he talks constantly. He talks to toys, himself, phones, the kindle, his brother, the trucks that pass and I have even caught him telling Jesus things (sweet moments).
Today was different for some reason. Today he had the look that he was really seeing someone as he was talking. He was eating breakfast at the table/bar that is positioned between the kitchen and back living area of Granny's house. We have lived here 6 months and he sits there every morning while I get my food and Elijah fed for the morning.
Today he kept repeating, "I not scared, I not scared." I decided to observed closer and he would shake his head and say "no I not." I decided to dig further into this and ask who he was talking to. For the first time he did something strangly new. He pointed to the back room. No one is in the back room. I said is there someone in there, he said , "there!" excitedly showing me with his tiny finger pointed out. I got creatively thinking okay, he has an imaginary friend. This is too cute.
I asked if they were a girl or boy. He said, "gurl, you mommy." I then asked if they were little like you or big like mommy, he responded, "like mommy." Then I got the chills. Not the freaky, scary kind the comforting, loving, I knew you were with us kind of God bumps.
The last week has not been easy. Dificult even, but there has been a peace with the trial. The thought, no matter what the day brings we will still be praising you in the night, has pulled us through each day.
I have often felt Granny and Papa since living here. Glimpses of them walking past while I was busy or them jump into my thoughts. I live in their house, it should be expected. But Blaine only experienced my Granny's pure love, Christ shinning love over for 14 months of his young life. It has been longer than that since she has served God in heaven, 17 months.
In the Bible when angels encountered humans they told them not to fear. Don't be scared. I imagine that is what Granny was telling Blaine today too. Don't be scared, she would be with us no matter the situation, no matter the circumstances.
God is good, in the sunshine and in the storm.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
It doesn't seem like a lot in numbers to me. Same length I was in high school and college and both flew by in a flash. I remember thinking at the end of those, it went too fast. I need more time. But there was no more time, it was the moment to go, to do more, to grow.
This is different. Somehow it feels like four years doesn't show how much I feel, how much we have gone through, how much we have done. Four seems degrading to how I feel. Four seems too little. I am not sure there is a number to stand for, "I can't remember life without you," "time is devided by before Bobby and after marriage," nothing explains how we were bonded after simply saying I Do, by the moments after the accident, by two babies in 22 months.
I guess that is marriage though. Days do not define it, years only hold scope to it but don't declare how meaningful it is. Marriage is something unique to marriage. No past relationship, boyfriends, girlfriends or slumber paries can compare to it. It is beautiful, crazy, and makes you thank and seek God every day.
I remember being a newlywed and being annoyed that Bobby was still being nice. He still told me he loved me and I was beautiful every morning. I wondered when it would stop. When he would just be him. I realized I picked fights just to see how he fought, he wouldn't. I sought God to battle my thoughts if I was normal and to show me how to be a Godly, loving wife. He did.
Married Feb 20th, we had not know each other a year when we said I do. We met the previous year in April, first date in May, said "I love you" by June, engaged by September and married in February.We knew immediately we were who God had paired together. Bobby was everything I needed but nothing I understood. He was quiet, thoughtful, and patient. I am loud, really LOUD, quick to speak, slow to listen, and a bit spontaneous on my own. Yeah, the dream girl I know, and he was in love with me. He was handsome, had a testimony of Jesus's love in his life and was not my kind of funny, nor I his, but I couldnt stop laughing and smiling around him. I still can't. He still says I am not funny. Some things we agree to disagree on. Lol.
The first year is not a blur as I hear most couples say. The first year I can describe ever moment, every detail, the joy, pain, the overwhelming-consuming fear, heartbreak, agony,and the triumph. The first anniversary was not only a celebration of marriage but simply survival, overcoming, God's glory in our life and the life we would bring into it the upcoming September.
Nothing has been as crazy as our first year. Nothing has been as painful and I pray it never will be again. We are not without trials but they are all in perspective to that year. We know God's power, our families support, how deep our love and what we can and will do for one another or won't allow (he won't le me floss his teeth, lol). I often say that first year we experienced what a married of 50 years is. Guess that is why the numbers don't add up. How our love is thicker, deeper, wider, longer than the number four.
I wonder if God looks down on me and feels the same way about his love toward me.
Bobby Clary, thanks for choosing me, loving me, accepting me marrying me and being my favorite husband!