I want to be that little girl again that sits and thinks about that Great Love all day, that when it walks by I swoon for simply being in the room. I remember feeling that way about a few boys in my early childhood. I would think about what they would say to me, how it would be if they would only see me for who I knew I was, if they would fall feet over head in love with me like I felt about them. My emotions were strong, they were not hidden. Everyone from my parents, brothers, family members, friends, well, the whole school, including my crush knew I was crazy for them. I can remember trying think how do I keep such passion from exploding out of me. It consumed me.
Now I am an adult. Not a child. My Great Love in human form lays next to me each night and calls me beautiful each day. His love for me still puts me in awe each day. I know God is real because of him, I know I am precious to God because of how he treats me.
I still crave. My early cravings in adolescence for love and friendship have morphed to craving the ONE TRUE GOD, Creator, Heaven Shaker, Human lover. I want to know what he wants with me. What can I do for Him? How can I be used to His fullest potential? Will it fill this craving? Will it change my world? What about the world of my boys and husband?
How do I follow his voice if I feel he is simply being silent? I do not feel he is not there, simply waiting to see if I will obey, but I am not totally sure the command. I read recently on a picture post a quote. Not sure who it is from but it feels like my situation. The quote simply read, "The teacher is always silent during the test." YES! This is how I feel. I know he is near, I know he is watching but what am I testing. Will I bless him or will I sadden him with my choice? Does it matter what I do, as long as, I am trying to seek him and follow him? Too many questions go through my head. I search his word but.... well, I am not sure. Nothing seems to fit the situation like so many times when I have read something and BOOM, it felt like his audible voice speaking to that part of my heart that needed spoken to.
For now, I will wait patiently on the Lord, for he is good.