Six months

Six months later, Happy birthday and the worst anniversary ever to celebrate. Six months of insanity and confusion have ensued.

You have missed mom's 70th birthday that you were so excited to plan and both your sons' birthdays. 

You have missed your 49th wedding anniversary.

You have missed three of your grandkids' birthdays and soon the other three. 

You have missed watching Chloe grow in motherhood through pregnancy. 

You missed job acceptances, changes, and so many challenging conversations you were needed for with all the solicited and unsolicited advice.

Your absence has caused confusion, pain, sadness, strange relief, joy, fear, and all emotions. 

Your grandkids have changed so much in six months, more than any other year—height, weight, courage, education, intellect, family, athlete, and faith. 

Relationships are challenged, strengthened, bonded, divided, paralyzed, and still in limbo in the wake of your death. 

The pool has been crazy, the weather is hot, and your people seriously miss you. 

We need you, your kids, wife, siblings, and grandkids; your son-&-daughter-in-laws need you. 

Why are you not here? 

I know to say there is a time for everyone to live and die, but I don't believe it was yours. I am still mad, and I do not believe I am alone. 

I trust God has a plan. But never does it say in his word I must like it. 

We had steak and a drink in your honor, sat by the pool in the most ideal story weather in months and felt all the feelings. 

I Love you. Present tense, in the here and now, and I pray that never changes. 




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Wait is On- November 16th

Image
The waiting has been tedious.  Awkward almost.  Brain surgery. Mass Removal.  Do I say something? Do I tell others?  Do I ask for prayers? Do I share on Facebook? Do I keep it hidden in my heart?  Saying things out loud makes them real. It brings the scary things out to light. It brings the questions and looks.  I have started to ask God what he wants me to do. His plan must be more significant than my own.  I had a person call the other day who had overheard my diagnosis.  The situation was unique, and unbeknown to me, she was struggling with some of the same symptoms I was, however, on a different timeline. She was able to find it so much sooner. No waiting years and years with terrible medications.   After learning about me, she went and asked a doctor to run an MRI.  She called in fear to ask who I was seeing, she too had a pineal mass.  I know no other person who had anything wrong with their pineal region, only a few who had deep brain masses. None, pineal region.  If for no othe
Read more

Brain Power

​I have typed this once and lost it.  I have thought about what to say and how to say it repeatedly. Since July, my whole world has made more sense and been tipsy-turvy turned upside-down.  Chronic pain is no joke.  I have dealt with headaches and extreme motion sickness since I was a child, back and neck pain since middle school, my hair turning grey in high school, and a handful of other strange symptoms.  No one ever wanted to put them together or even attempted.  In high school and early college years, I went to a handful of neurologists due to headaches, eye issues, and nausea issues, and their answers were either I was making things up, or my symptoms were too strange to make sense of.  I willingly gave up and decided for years I was misunderstanding what was happening in my body.   Everyone’s head must hurt; they just don’t complain about it.  Everyone must walk around nauseous and just not say anything.  Everyone hears their heartbeat and whooshing in their ears when they lay t
Read more

The Neurologist and a Pineal Gland

​I am the kind of person who is going to start research as soon as they have a question.  Not google, although I won’t deny pineal region didn’t go in the search engine immediately. But medical journals, peer reviewed journals, research article…data that is founded not on opinion but findings or the lack there of.  It often gets me in trouble and it is the way I have made my living for the last ten years.  The pineal region of the brain is the most misunderstood and most under-researched. What is known is it has do to with the melatonin in our bodies but not really what else.  It is tiny and thought to be the Seat of the Brain and the Third Eye to spirituality.  Neurologists have been trained to not interact with the pineal region of the brain unless they suspect the mass is cancerous, and even then, only if they have to. Surgery on this area of the brain is difficult and takes high-level technology, and skills, and with little research, the unknowns are higher than the knowledge avai
Read more