3 months later ...

 I have yet to post much lately.  Honestly, it is because I am not sure what to say or think, or if I say it aloud, then maybe it is real.  Again, the uncertainty has paralyzed me. 

In January I felt pretty amazing.  Around eight weeks out, when I should have originally returned to work, I understood why they told you to wait till 8 weeks for your recovery.  My mind was growing clearer, my wound was starting to not hurt nearly as bad, and I felt an energy I had not experienced in so long.  It was fantastic.  I was productive at work, able to process and plan in ways I had forgotten I could do. 

Then February came.  I am not sure if it was the incidental accident of me hitting my head early in the month or if it would have happened anyway but pain became the thing that consumed me for the entire month. A new kind of pain, bone pain, nerve pain, and maybe a pain I still am not sure how to describe.  I could not lay on my head again, at least not on the back or right side.  If someone or something touched my hair or head on that right side, it was instant pain. The pain was dull all day, there in the background of everything I did, everywhere I went, and began to encompass me in ways the migraines had once done.  Fraying my nerves and creating a feeling of overwhelming chaos within me.  

I called the doctors, they sounded stumped and tried only one thing then said they were unsure what was going on.  The area was not red, swollen, or warm so they did not believe there was an infection but told me I had the choice to either come in and talk or wait it out to see if the pain would pass in due time. 

I prayed and prayed, not sure of what I should do.  Eventually, my indecision made my decision for me and I was on the waiting-it-out play. 

I have an amazing family and my husband should win awards for the patience, grace, and comfort that he provides.  I am so blessed he has the love of Jesus inside him, to be constant in who he is and how he loves me.  

It is now March, and I am just past the three-month mark. The three-month mark is where I was originally told would be a good indicator but as I begin to research and reach out to others who have had this procedure throughout the country, that information is incorrect.  The one-year, the eighteen-month, and the three-year mark are slowly revealing to be more of what post-surgery have found to be the times when they begin to feel more like themselves, the pain and headaches begin to reduce, and the chaos in their brains begins to regulate and calm. 

Those timelines feel so far away. However, I recently heard someone say that God's timeline and my timeline are very different. God's timeline always produces much sweeter results and we as followers are asked to be patient and wait upon the Lord. I believe His ways are better than mine, His plan is wiser than mine, and His glory is more important than anything, but that does not always make it easier to wait. The waiting is difficult when the pain is high. The trust is more challenging when the risk is higher. 

When asked how I am doing, I am not sure how to respond.  Do people really want to know, it is still tough. The journey is rough. The road is not smooth. There are good days, good moments, and belief that each day may be better than the previous. I want to stay positive, to be an optimistic person. Happy to be here. Happy to experience all that life offers.  

Yet, the invisible, constant pain that has been a part of who I am for the majority of my life seems to be just as close as ever.  It is tiring.