Emotions Are Stupid

I typed this once in the height of my emotions, and somehow by the Grace of Jesus, it was lost. 😉. 

Emotions are stupid.  I am like a really old, bumpy, and hilly roller coaster full of the ups and downs of all the emotions.  I have overarching peace but the rest is a snowball of good days, tough moments, tears, joy of the upcoming future, fear, and hiding from the what-ifs. 
I am not a fan of roller coasters. I remember as a kid thinking that the feeling of my brain going in the air and coming back and smacking my skull was not what the intent of the coast was created for, but that was how I felt being on one.  Even as an adult, watching a roller coaster race off makes my head spin, dizzy, and not comfortable.  The joy that comes from my husband and boys riding, it is not the experience I feel.  

Now, it is the emotions that bring the waves of nausea. 
I like being in control. I like owning the narrative. I will guide the perspective and anything within the situation I can in a desperate place to grasp control.  I know, I have worked on this most of my life. Being a control freak is not better but when you feel like parts are out of control, taking what you can can in moments brings comfort.
However, God did not put me in control nor did he want me to take control. I am not in control of my own story, not in control of the narrative, not in control of how my body reacts to the loss of power in the situation, and not in control of the emotions that encompass the looks of others, the texts, the questions the fears.  Parts of me feel like I have waged this war of control and emotions for the last year as I walked through the grief of losing my father.  But what God did give me in this time was his peace and his presence is more than sufficient in my weakness. 

I want to be enough. Enough that people choose to love me, be in a relationship with me, or not connected to me because it is the choice they are making; not fear, sadness, and emotions guiding them in light of their own hearts.
I don't like that this stupid mass gets to dictate relationships, reunions, healing, hurt, and all of the other human things that are just messy. I want to be the center of the choice, the story, the reason. 
BUT GOD.  

But God did not create me to be the center of this story, any story.  He is always the center.  He is the reason.  He is the meaning and purpose of this life and without him in my story, my story is not a story to know.  The one thing Bobby and I kept talking about is how people survive this life without a relationship with the one true God, the King, the Waymaker, the One whom love originated, the Giver of Peace, the Savior? Life is just too hard without him. 

How do people truly understand love without God, how do they receive peace without Jesus, how do they forgive without the Savior? How do they live with mercy and grace? 

I was on a phone call with a colleague, whom I had never met today, to discuss training plans for the end of the year and the beginning of 2024.  I shared I would be out for part of November but could reconnect in December due to surgery.  We talked about being out and surgeries, and I shared I would be having brain surgery to remove the mass. How did I go from hiding it all to sharing with a stranger why I would not be available for planning for a few weeks? They shared they would be in prayer with me. 

Like so many of you, your prayers are what is sustaining, pushing us forward with bravery and courage.  People are advocating for themselves, not just accepting the first answers, wrong meds, and a life of continued pain.

When you say you read these posts, I could tell. When you said you are praying, I can feel it.  When you ask what is needed, I can not respond.  Not out of lack of wanting the connection simply because we need nothing but prayers right now. We do not know what we will need going forward. 

My focus is currently on October 24th and the updated MRI.  I pray the images show everything clearly: the things we know and any possible evidence of things we do not know.  Everything that can be shown clearly in the images will be there. I am praying the MRI does not throw me into a massive migraine again, but I am preparing for how to take of myself when/if it does. I pray any lingering questions are brought to my mind by then to talk it out with Dr. Dunn.  I pray that the process is easily understood by Mom and me, who will be at the appointment. I am praying for God's wisdom on how to keep moving forward with sharing with the boys and what they should expect. 

I am praying in the midst of this storm, Bobby can keep his eyes on nursing school and love our boys like only he can. I pray for his energy and health and that his cup continues to be filled with the fantastic men and families that create our faith circles and friends. 

Thank you.  Thank you for your love. For your connection. For your grace with me and mine during these times. 

If we can add you to our prayers, I have an epic prayer wall.  I would love to add your name and need it. 

~ Love

LC